“She’s so strong, she can handle anything.”

“Women who are independent don’t need men for anything.”

Recently I was attending a meditation retreat, and I met up with a female acquaintance I’ve known informally for some time. Julianne is a very successful attorney and a truly radiant woman. She exudes poise and self-confidence, and regularly speaks in front of large groups. When she asked me what I was working on, I told her about this book. Instantly, her eyes lit up, and she grabbed my arm. “Listen, Barbara,” Julianne said. “Here’s the most important thing you need to tell men—just because a woman is strong and independent in her career doesn’t mean she has no needs. We still need nurturing; we still need to be taken care of, even if it doesn’t always look like it.”
I thanked Julianne, and as I turned to leave, she called out, “Barbara—one more thing. Call me and tell me as soon as the book comes out. I need to give a copy to my husband. He thinks I’m superwoman.”
Over and over again in researching this chapter, I heard statements like Julianne’s from women that all illustrate Myth #6:

“My partner doesn’t understand that despite the fact that I’m very independent and strong, I often need reassurance and tenderness. At times I probably appear to be so tough that I can take anything—but sometimes I’d love a little more sympathy, empathy, and caretaking.”
“When my husband says ‘You’re strong, I know you can handle it,’ I feel like he is dismissing my needs. Yes, I’m strong, but I still like to be taken care of.”

“Just because I am competent doesn’t mean I don’t like to be babied and pampered sometimes. When a man goes out of his way to take care of me like that, it really makes me feel loved, and very feminine.”

“Even though I’m financially independent and take my career seriously, that doesn’t mean I am not tender or that I don’t have needs, because I do. When I come home to my husband at the end of the day, I don’t want to have to be the tough, aggressive person I am from nine to five. I want to let my defenses down and be loved and reassured.”

I’ve found that many men have erroneously determined that there are two types of women in the world: the kind that are vulnerable and dependent, and need to be protected and taken care of; and the kind that are strong, together, and capable, and therefore don’t need to be taken care of. So when a man has a partner who, for instance, has a high-powered job, or is very dynamic and organized, he often mistakes her competence and confidence as an indication that she doesn’t need or want to be taken care of, that she’s not “the kind of woman” he needs to worry about.

Myth:   Women who appear competent and strong don’t need to be taken care of.
Truth: Just because women are strong and capable doesn’t mean we don’t want and need to be nurtured and taken care of.

The mistake men make is that they misinterpret strength and competence for self-sufficiency. Just because a woman is highly competent and confident doesn’t mean she has no needs. It doesn’t mean we don’t need someone else to be the strong one once in a while. And it doesn’t mean it isn’t hard for us to do all we do without sometimes feeling tired, frightened, or as though we’ve run out of steam. Part of the problem stems from the fact that women are so good at handling a multitude of tasks. Men see and admire this ability, and conclude that we don’t ever need their help—but we do.

What Women Want Men to Know:
Just because a woman feels competent and not in need of any help in one instance doesn’t mean she feels that way all the time.

A friend of mine told me a story that perfectly illustrates this point. She and her boyfriend recently moved in together. They live in an apartment on the third floor, and every time she goes grocery shopping, she has to carry the bags up three flights of stairs. My friend is athletic, so it’s not impossible for her to make several trips up and down, but it’s not her favorite thing in the world to do.
One day, after having done an unusually large amount of food shopping, she walked into the apartment, her arms bursting with heavy bags, to find her boyfriend lying on the couch watching television. “Hi, honey,” she puffed, trying to catch her breath. “Do you think you could help me with the rest of the groceries?”
Her boyfriend looked up with a smile and replied, “Aw, I know how strong you are. I’ve seen you do it for months now. You’re just being lazy, sweetie.”
“I’m serious, could you just help me with the last batch? The trunk is still full of stuff.”
“What’s gotten into you?” he replied distractedly, not taking his eyes off of the TV screen. “You always carry all the groceries.”
My friend was furious at her boyfriend for assuming that just because she could carry the bags by herself, she should always carry the bags, and therefore, he was exempt from having to help. It’s not that he was trying to be selfish or even insensitive—he was just falling prey to Myth #6.

As one woman wrote in her survey:

“Please tell men that sometimes I need to be taken care of and sometimes I don’t. If you’re not sure, just ask me. But don’t assume because I was fine last week, I will be this week.”

What do men get out of believing Myth #6?

*Men use this myth as an excuse not to feel responsible for taking care of us emotionally.
When Ellie met Gary, an optometrist, he was just finalizing his divorce from his first wife, Claire. Gary was enthralled by Ellie and was particularly impressed that she owned her own highly successful home-decorating business and supervised a staff of six employees. “Ellie and Claire couldn’t be more different,” he admitted to me as he and Ellie sat before me for a consultation. “Claire never worked except for odd jobs here and there selling cosmetics, and she always seemed very fragile and vulnerable. When we were married, she’d call me ten times a day to ask me the simplest questions: What day should she tell the plumber to come and fix the sink? What should she do with the box the new microwave came in? Did I think she should make pasta for dinner, or would I rather have Chinese food? It was like she couldn’t make any decisions without me.”
“So how did you feel when you starting dating Ellie?” I asked.
“Relieved!” Gary exclaimed. “I felt like I was finally with a grown-up, someone I didn’t have to worry about and take care of all the time.”
“That’s just it,” Ellie piped in. “He never worries about me or feels I need him for anything, even when I ask.”
“Oh come on, honey,” Gary replied. “You are the most together woman I know! There’s nothing you can’t do or figure out—I’ve seen it.”
“Yes, I’m strong, but that doesn’t preclude me from wanting your support and protection sometimes.”
“But I know you’ll be fine, with or without my input, so why do I need to worry about you?”
“Because I’m your wife!” Ellie said as tears filled her eyes. “Because I don’t want to always be compared to Claire and have you think that since I’m so much more functional than she was, I don’t ‘qualify’ to be taken care of I Because I don’t want to have to be a mess to deserve a little nurturing!”
I’ve seen this pattern in relationships time and time again. A man who played the role of caretaker and rescuer in a previous relationship meets a woman who seems so capable and together that he tells himself she doesn’t need any nurturing. Like Gary, he is so relieved not to have to always feel responsible for his mate this time around that he overlooks his new partner’s needs, concluding that she is strong and therefore exempt from requiring that he take care of her in any way.]
Sometimes, a man has so much built-up resentment from the years he spent acting more like a father than a husband that he even takes this anger out on his new mate, reacting negatively when she shows the slightest neediness or vulnerability. It’s as if unconsciously he finally feels safe to express all of those bottled-up feelings because he knows it won’t totally crush his new love as it would have crashed his old love. Well, perhaps it won’t crush her, but it does hurt her. One woman complained in an interview:
“For years when they were married, my husband ran around catering to every little need and mood his ex-wife had. But now in our relationship, when I ask him for the simplest thing, or tell him I’m feeling insecure or need some support, he blows up. It’s not fair—how come she got to be taken care of all the time, but I don’t even get to feel a little needy once in a while?!”
The Truth About Myth #6
Don’t let strong, competent women fool you, men. We are still women, and no matter how independent or capable we seem, we do have a primal need to feel you taking care of us sometimes in both big and small ways. There is a part of us that melts and softens when we feel you there to support us, to believe in us, and to be our shoulder to lean on, no matter how strong our own shoulders may be. And here is a secret for you to remember: Guess which women need to really feel taken care of? The ones who are so good at taking care of others…
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Women’s health

Diet
For best results, evening primrose oil should be taken in conjunction with a healthy, low saturated fat diet. In particular, the methylxanthine group of substances (caffeine, theophylline) found m coffee, tea and cola drinks should be excluded, as these substances increase the binding of prolactin to the breast.
The vitamin and mineral co-factors should also be taken with the evening primrose oil.
There is no doubt that evening primrose oil is effective in treating breast pain, whether cyclical or non-cyclical. It is equally effective as the more traditional drugs used to treat this condition but has none of their side-effects. For that reason some doctors feel that evening primrose oil should be the first- line treatment for breast pain.

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WOMEN’S HEALTH

Dose
In order to obtain a response to treatment, it is important to start with the full dose (8x500mg per day) and to continue treatment for the recommended 3-6 month period.
After 3-6 months, treatment may be stopped. The condition will then take 2-12 months to revert to its previous symptomatic level.
A maintenance dose of 2-4 x500mg capsules per day may keep symptoms under control indefinitely.

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WOMEN’S HEALTH

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WOMEN’S HEALTH